Have you ever found yourself in the comparison trap? I’d be surprised if you haven’t.
Comparison traps are everywhere—from hearing about someone’s incredible vacation to seeing your friends’ curated lives on social media, the chances for feeling “less than” or envious are ever-present.
Research tells us that while comparisons might temporarily motivate us, habitual comparers tend to experience greater dissatisfaction, remorse, and guilt alongside any temporary benefits. Comparisons also affect how you review your decision-making.
When you make a choice, you often evaluate its merit using comparisons: What happened to me? What happened to others? What if I had chosen differently like them? These questions can end up leaving you with guilt or regret.
Ugh.
Statistically, women are more prone to social comparisons, while men focus on professional benchmarks like occupation and salary.
Double ugh.
How do you avoid these tricky comparison traps?
Renowned research professor and author Brené Brown talks about the importance of self-compassion and the benefits of moving beyond harmful comparisons by leaning into authenticity.
I like Brown’s approach because it underscores what I found to be true. Here are three behaviors to focus on when you find yourself tempted to compare:
- Be your own weather vane—For me, authenticity is more about listening to yourself than anything else. Don’t lick your finger and hold it up to check the wind’s direction (i.e., worrying about what other people think or do). Get great at listening to your inner voice. The wind’s direction is always changing (and so are others’ opinions), so listening to yourself is about self-care and confidence.
- Look the other way—The next step is about honoring your inner voice. Once you’ve heard it, stick with it. This is the hard part for some, but there’s nothing like knowing what works for yourself and looking the other way when people question you. Check out Chapter 15 in my book, Positively Altered: “Fifty-One Things I Want in a Man.” Making that list was about expressing my convictions. I wasn’t looking to compare what I wanted with what other friends had in a partner. That exercise was about my perspectives and preferences. The takeaway was ”What’s important to you—not anyone else?”
- Find your spotters—If you know me or read my book, you know I loved strength training when I was younger. I’m talking the real-deal kind of training. (Humble brag alert—I’ve won some lifting trophies in my day… well, that wasn’t so humble!) Every serious weight lifter needs a trusted spotter who is ready if you need them—someone who’ll support you without envy. There’s no room for pedestals. Spotters in my life were the people who lifted me rather than fueled comparison or doubt.
Remember, don’t make room for questioning your choices or preferences by looking at how you measure up with others. You’re the only one who can do you, so why not be great at it?
Stepping away from your mental tally sheet isn’t a one-and-done kind of thing; it’s a practice—a muscle you have to continually strengthen. There will always be people in your sphere with new vacations, accomplishments, curated social media feeds, and professional milestones tempting you to compare. Instead, be happy for those around you who experience good fortune. Your time will come!
Every time you trust your inner voice, turn your gaze away from distractions, and surround yourself with people who genuinely lift you up, you strengthen that muscle.
And here’s the beauty in all this: Comparison loses its grip the moment you choose to lean wholeheartedly into your truth. It’s not about perfection but rather about self-awareness, self-compassion, and the courage to own your story. When you do, you’ll find that living authentically isn’t just healthier—it’s infinitely more satisfying.
Keep stepping forward. Your truth awaits.
Be positively altered,
Dr. Cindy M. Howard