A wig was my plus-one at a wedding. Wait, what?
Okay, let me back up. It’s the spring of 2015, and I’m in the middle of chemo, and if you know anything about chemo, it’s terrible for your hair. If you want to keep your hair, you can’t put any products in it and have to suffer through wearing cold caps, but that’s another story.
When I say no hair products, I mean nothing. The upside is that you’re saving time in the salon chair and money on highlights. Instead, my hair was growing out as dark brown, curly, and—I’ll say it—gray. So I had that awkward line of natural hair color and expensive, beautiful hair color too. I read online that a great solution was the headband, which looks great with a set of leg warmers —if it’s the ’80s.
When I was invited to my cousin’s wedding, the spandex headband would not do—especially if there were any family photos taken. So I pulled out the wig I thought I would need if all my hair fell out.
Because my hair was still growing, the wig didn’t fit well over my natural hair. If I had been bald, it would have been gorgeous. Instead, my ill-fitting wig kept sliding back and I’d have to yank it forward by grabbing the front edge of it. The gal who does my nails told me that she liked the wig better than my natural hair, but that comment, understandably, had the reverse effect on my anticipation of the wedding day.
Sure, I wanted to look a certain way, but I was trying to honor the occasion and give my cousin a presentable version of myself for the sake of her pictures. As I look back, I felt good in that wig. Despite the fit, it was a good temporary solution until chemo was over.
There’s nothing wrong with doing things that make you feel good, but try to avoid getting too wrapped up in your “packaging” as a measure of yourself. There’s an important line between self-esteem and vanity. When you have a positive self-worth, you’re making decisions in support of that strong sense of self. In contrast, vanity is aimed at proving that you’re enough, which means that you’re willing to accept that your worth is up for debate.
If you’ve ever read the terrific autobiography Open by Andre Agassi, you know that he was incredibly uncomfortable with his professional tennis career and his adoring fans. He began wearing hairpieces when he started to lose his locks because he was afraid that people wouldn’t accept him without long hair. It even began to affect his performance in matches!
I had no delusions that my hair was as important as Andre perceived his was, especially since mine was a temporary condition. (Today, Andre has a very healthy relationship with his bald self, and I’m in awe of his philanthropic work.)
More importantly, I knew that a wig wasn’t changing who I was at my core or my positive self-worth. I was still a woman walking through cancer. When I’m going through a challenge in my life, I try to honor my health and my esteem.
Here are three approaches that help me:
- Accept yourself: I know; easier said than done. There are some things you can change about yourself, like wearing a wig, and some you can’t, like having cancer. Accepting myself helped me pause and consider the important differences between the two. For the circumstances you can’t change, work on embracing them by letting in forgiveness and looking for what you’re willing to take on.
- Speak up: Don’t be afraid to let your voice be heard. People can’t read your mind, so don’t count on them to anticipate your needs or emotions. Unless you let others in on what you’re thinking, they’re bound to overlook your needs, which only diminishes your sense of self.
- Focus on others: Sometimes the best medicine for your personal well-being is focusing on others. Lending a hand for a community event or volunteering on a project is a great way to remind yourself that you can make a difference in valuable ways. In the case of my cousin’s wedding, focusing on the fact that it was her important day took the focus and pressure off me.
My “plus-one” at the wedding was a great exercise in evaluating the reasons I considered wearing a wig. What are the “wigs” and “weddings” in your life? Do some life events cause you to think performatively, or are you accepting yourself and celebrating what truly makes you one-of-a-kind?