In a survey about sex, the three most common barriers to discussing it with partners is that “it’s embarrassing,” “life is too busy,” or “my partner doesn’t like to bring up the subject.”
As a doctor, I love to talk about sexual health on stage so I can challenge people’s discomfort and open them up to healthy conversations.
In part one of this blog, I talked about desire and foreplay—how desire comes from within and also surfaces from our partners who express interest or talk to us in a way that’s compatible with being in the mood.
Either way, you have to honor what’s comfortable for you. We also talked about the importance of the anticipation of sex and how I had to redefine readiness so I was taking care of myself and my partner, which leads us to intimacy.
What happens when something so essential to your personal fulfillment is disrupted by your physical or mental well-being? Ten years ago, I discovered a lump in my neck, and eventually the biopsy confirmed that I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
My attitude toward sex was put to the test. Walking through cancer meant that I had to change my playbook and open myself up to redefining what might feel good and give myself some latitude.
Intimacy, getting naked, and “showing the knowing” – Let’s talk about communication; it’s important that you have it regularly. You need to share what you’re going through and acknowledge that cancer affects you emotionally and physically, which will impact your intimacy. It is communication about everything, not just sex. When I am connected to my partner and our communication is stellar, that increases the intimacy we both feel.
Encourage your partner to share openly. They may feel hesitation because you don’t sound or look like yourself during this phase. You may have lost weight, gained weight, lost hair, felt fragile, or looked fragile.
All those conditions play into one another’s psyche about sex. I gained weight (more to hold onto). If I was tired, maybe the missionary position was the best choice, so I could enjoy sex despite the challenges.
This is true for both sexes because men, for instance, strongly associate their masculinity with sexual desire and performance, and cancer can affect their mental and physical readiness. It’s critical to show forgiveness when either partner doesn’t feel interested in sex during this time.
It’s also critical that you reinforce your connection through other behaviors, activities, and interaction. While your partner may want to hold your hair or comfort you while you vomit (after chemo), this should not be your only form of together time. I enjoyed taking walks with our dogs, picnics in the forest preserves, and dancing at random times while no music was playing in the middle of a store.
Try to find new things you can do together to connect when sex is too physically demanding. Intimacy isn’t only about getting naked; it’s also about truly knowing someone and demonstrating how knowing your partner enables you to make the other person happy. If your relationship with your partner is new, enjoy activities that nurture discovery about one another’s likes or dislikes.
Sense of self, loneliness, and building your team – Having a strong sense of self and agency over your own body is essential for a healthy sex life—cancer or no cancer. For me—whether it made any sense or not—I equated keeping my hair with maintaining my identity and wellness.
You can also boost your sense of self and camaraderie by building your support team of superheroes. Consulting with a therapist for emotional support and with medical professionals for clinical support or confiding in friends who are equally comfortable about sexual health can be a great comfort to you (and your partner).
Though you may constantly be surrounded by people, walking through cancer is lonely because everyone’s journey is different. I love to chat with my girlfriends about sex. We share stories and great laughs. We realize we are not alone in challenges, desires, and changes as we age.
Everyone should be able to enjoy a healthy sex life, even if they’re walking though cancer, struggling with after effects of treatment, or going through body changes.
Sexual health is no less a concern than any other health problems we might experience. We should and can have sex until we die, and if something is preventing that, then fix it. If you don’t know how, ask. Some of you out there need answers so don’t give up until you get them.
Allow yourself to redefine intimacy and sexuality during your cancer treatment, communicate with your partner if you have one, and forgive one another and yourself while you figure it out. Above all, don’t forget to keep your sense of humor.
Check out my book, Positively Altered: Finding Happiness at the Bottom of a Chemo Bag. I tell a joke about a cucumber and a penis that should break a smile. Remember: laughter heals all wounds—even in the bedroom.
Be positively altered,
Dr. Cindy
P.S. Need a speaker at your next event who blends doctor know-how with life lessons you can apply at work and in life? I’m your gal. Learn more here!